never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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