If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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