For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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