Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
