I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
