I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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