I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
