just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
