do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
