i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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