1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
pray to the hookup gods
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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