its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
