you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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