I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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