dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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