she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We got so high we made milksteak
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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