i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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