Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
