Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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