Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
