So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
