so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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