I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
