Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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