he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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