My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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