First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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