I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
