i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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