Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
