How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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