I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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