Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
