I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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