i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
