Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
