did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
