I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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