I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
