Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
They have beer where we have blood.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
