Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
