His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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