Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want her autograph on my taint
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
