I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
