Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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