How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
