God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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