Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
