I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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