nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
