Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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